A Disciple Before a Wife

“... and there is nothing on earth that I desire besides you.” Psalm 73:25

I’ve been dwelling on this verse and concept for a while now. Two of my close friends and I have been working through a Bible study that really focuses on the truth that Jesus is truly all we need. Everything else are added blessings from Him, but when you strip it all away, you can still live with the hope that abounds. Growing up as a Christian, I always knew that, but this study has forced me to really examine if I believe that. It has pushed me to meditate on my priorities and whether or not those are submitted to who and what God has called me to do. 

Honestly, they weren’t.

Yes, in my head and in my heart, I know Jesus is the author and finisher of my faith, He has made a way for me to dwell in His presence, and my salvation is secure because of what He did on the cross and rising from the dead three days later. I know those with FULL confidence, but there seemed to be an asterisk in the back of my mind. An asterisk that pointed out that I still did not have everything I wanted. 

Yes, Jesus is my Savior, but I also wanted to be in a relationship, I wanted a completely healthy body, I wanted to regain endurance so I could run a marathon, and the list went on. It broke my heart that I could look at Jesus and say, “I know what you did on the cross, but I still want more.” Now, those desires are not ungodly, but they were never meant to hold the place that I had given them. 

I realized that I allowed these discontentments to take up a lot of space, especially singleness. I also realized that I was not alone. A common theme among young, Christian women is singleness. 

“Why are we single?”

“Where are the Godly men?” 

“Why do I have to wait so long?”

As I was falling asleep the other night, I had a thought: 

“I don’t want to be so focused on my singleness that it distracts me from my calling.”

My purpose and my calling were never meant to begin when I become someone's wife. Sister, it’s the same for you! 

There is so much more to life, so many more blessings to dwell on, so much purpose found outside of a relationship - so why do we focus on our relationship status? Somewhere along the way, many of us started believing that our "real" ministry would begin once we had a husband beside us. We don’t have to wait for a man of God to lead us into our purpose, God leads us into our purpose… and not as a single woman, but as a Christian woman.

It's not surprising that this has become such a focus because many of us have heard these messages since we were young. Looking back, I'm realizing how much of my Christian upbringing centered around preparing to become a wife. I read my first book on Godly relationships when I was in middle school - “I Kissed Dating Goodbye,” by Josh Harris. When I finished the book, my mom bought me a journal I could write letters and prayers to my future husband in (I’m scared to read what I wrote 🫥). Then in college I read “Dating Single Engaged Married,” by Ben Stuart and then “The Meaning of Marriage” by Tim Keller. If you have been to a women's conference, the keynote speech is usually about Ruth or Proverbs 31 in the context of how to be a Godly wife. Now multiply that times 100 because I grew up in the South and went to Texas A&M, so getting married young is a cultural pillar (ring by spring!). In addition to that, there are whole Christian podcasts dedicated to relationships. It feels like everywhere we look there is another platform telling young women on how to prepare to be a Godly wife. 

I don’t regret having Godly virtues instilled within me when it comes to dating and relationships, because I see how ungodly relationships can be catastrophic. Godly relationships are honoring to the Lord. But did I miss the point? Did I equate my relationship status with my identity in Christ? Was walking down the aisle in a beautiful white dress the goal, instead of becoming more like Christ day by day? 

Is marriage Godly? Yes! Is desiring a Godly marriage a good thing? Also yes! God created it, therefore it is good. He even uses it as an earthly example of Jesus’ second coming - that is significant (Matthew 25:1-13, 2 Corinthians 11:2, Revelation 19:7-9, 21:2). It’s an earthly vow before the Lord to another person. It’s a beautiful thing to desire. But somewhere along the way, I think many of us have unintentionally elevated marriage to a place it was never meant to hold. This is where sin has taken a Godly thing and distorted it into something that hurts, disappoints and can leave women feeling empty and hopeless. 

The truth is that marriage is not promised. 

The truth is that our purpose and hope is found in what Jesus did on the cross and rising from the dead three days later. 

What a relief that is! Our purpose does not depend on another human “completing” us, but on what the Lord our God has done. No matter how Godly and Christ-like a man is, he will fail and disappoint us, but God will not.

What if we stopped treating singleness as a waiting room and started treating it like a calling? Instead of asking God, “Why am I single?” ask Him, “How can I serve you where I’m at?” Married or single, young or old, man or woman, the mission has never changed. Jesus didn't tell married people to make disciples while everyone else waited. He gave every believer the same commission - the Great Commission is to go and make disciples (Matthew 28:16-20), so go and make disciples.

Our spirit-filled life is not dependent on our relationship status, and I fear that so many women are waiting for a man to come into their lives before they step into the Lord’s calling. We don’t have to wait, we can go right now! This does not necessarily mean that you need to move overseas to become a missionary, or leave your corporate job to serve in the church. If God is calling you to these, by all means go for it! But we can make disciples in the circles we are in - classmates, coworkers, family, neighbors, random people in the grocery store. Don’t have anyone in your life that isn't a believer? Widen your circle. Go make disciples. 

One blessing I think single women sometimes overlook is how much freedom we have. Thank you Jesus! If you want to move overseas, there are far less logistics than if you were married. Want to quit your corporate job to serve at church? You don’t have to worry about supporting more than yourself. There are so many opportunities that I have had being single that I would never get to experience if I was in a relationship. I’ve gotten to live with two wonderful women of God this past year and develop strong, Godly friendships - seriously I don’t know how I went so long without them in my daily life! I don’t have to ask about schedules when planning because I just have to worry about my own (shoutout to my remote job too!). Of course, my friends that are in relationships experience so many blessings, but they have far less personal freedom than I do. Use your freedom to serve the Lord and make disciples. 

Whether marriage is in your future or not, your calling isn't on hold. The Lord isn't waiting to use you someday, He is calling you today. So stop waiting for your life to begin. Go love people. Go serve the Church. Go make disciples. The harvest is plentiful, and Jesus has already given you your assignment.